As we say hello to a new year, I am happy to say I spent a good half of 2023 pet-sitting and hanging out with my furry friends! Yet just as there is always a yin to the yang, there was also much sadness this year. I love to fill your feed with cute pet photos and videos, but behind the fur and treats, there is a grim reality that no one, including myself, really wants to talk about.
If we are lucky, our furry friends get roughly a decade or so by our side. The animals we bring into our homes age faster than us. Our infancy lasts years while theirs only 6 to 8 months. Their time on this Earth is precious and almost always, not enough.
The reality is our pets will leave us sooner rather than later. The following I write in hopes to speak openly and shed light on the above three G's (grief, guilt, and goodbye), with stories and insights as a pet owner, veterinary care professional, and pet sitter.
Firstly, I would like to mention that everyone you know has undergone grief - it is a universal experience, regardless of their backstory. Think about that the next time you pick up your coffee at Starbucks or wait in a long line to check out at the grocery store. Look around you; everyone you see has experienced loss and thus grief in some way. Just as you are still mourning the loss of your Father who passed too young or your friend from high school you wish you spoke to more, everyone knows of grief and the toll it can take. Each loss we experience creates a void. Something that was so familiar, a daily occurrence, is now gone. When that loss is a pet, the grief can present itself differently. 6 o'clock used to be a crucial time - dinner time! Now, just another face on the clock. The lap around the block seems shorter because there are no more sniff breaks. Getting home quickly after work only to realize there is no one there to greet you - it sure does hit hard.
When a human leaves this Earth, there is a specific grieving timeline built into our society. We host wakes, visitations, and beautiful funerals honoring the departed. We give space to those who need it, and smother others who should not be alone. However, the grieving timeline after losing a pet is usually silent and lonesome. The expectation to continue "business as usual" can be overwhelming. Time goes on I guess, even with a shattered heart. Many owners will bottle everything up, resorting to "I'm fine" in front of others, all while having complete breakdowns in solitude.
When I lost my dog Sutherland, she decided to take her last breath at home with me hugging and petting her softly. Yet the next morning, as I brought in her body to be buried (thank you for helping me Katie, you are a true friend) there was a full workday ahead of me, with many things to do afterwards - identifying and processing my emotions after the loss of my sweet lady was not one of them. It took me a long while, probably around 3 months, just to get to back to my normal (ish) self. I still miss her every day!
Now I was one of the lucky ones, as Sutherland died at home with me, comfortable and relaxed. Many owners are not that lucky and may have to make "the choice".
"The choice" I am referring to is euthanasia. There are many opinions on this topic but I am not writing this to induce any arguments. Regardless of your beliefs on the procedure, many pet owners will have to come face to face with it. Working at the Veterinary Hospital for the years that I did, I witnessed some very very sad things. Death was a daily occurrence. Puppies, kittens, best friends....As odd as it may sound, one of the most rewarding parts of that job was amongst the death. It was so hard to witness every day, yet incredibly meaningful to be able to assist owners through one of the worst days of their life. It gave purpose and direction when I felt I would never be happy again. The entire staff where I worked was the same; bombarded with emotions day in and day out, but made sure to offer continuous and unwavering support to clients. It was such an honor to be a part of that team.
In my eyes, "the choice" can sometimes be compared to an equation. Our pets need to be able to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom on their own in order to maintain a good quality of life. They also need to be able to do what they enjoy (walk, run, get up, lay down, etc). Of course their age plays a part too. When one or more of those factors go away, euthanasia is something that may have to be considered.
My dog Doc came home with my boyfriend Derek and I in the Summer of 2020 at the ripe age of 12. He was a sweet old boy, very chill, but man oh man did he have an ear piercing bark! He was a handful of a hound boy, but we ended up loving him dearly. Shortly after the new year, his mobility rapidly declined. He would fall over, get himself stuck, have accidents, and overall was not the same dog he was just a six months prior. I spent a good 2 to 3 weeks in limbo, feeling like I failed him and that if I could just build him a spot with enough traction, or use a sling to help him walk, everything would be fine. Yet eventually I realized, the equation I was using to keep him comfortable and happy was no longer functioning and I had to make "the choice". Although I knew in my heart I made the right call, my grief was just as heavy as when I lost Sutherland - Doc was the first pet I ever had to make the decision to euthanize.
Making that call, scheduling that appointment, contemplating every decision - it brings up an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Am I doing the right thing? Could I have done more? All of these questions begin to swirl. If you are currently at this crossroads with your pet, I urge you to reach out to your veterinarian or someone in the veterinary field and have an open conversation with them. As one of the absolute hardest decisions you will have to make, and may have to make multiple times in your life, this is my advice to you. It is helpful to know everything you can before the time comes. Be sure to ask questions; What do you use? How long does it take? Will they feel pain? Can I hold them?
"The choice" is part of the unwritten contract we sign up for when an animal comes into our lives. They cannot advocate for themselves, it is up to you.
Currently, my 2 kitties are 4 & 5 years old. They are very healthy and have much life ahead of them. Yet fairly regularly, I picture them old, sick, miserable, and I contemplate how that makes me feel. Of course I begin to weep and start squeezing them until they're like "MOM STOP THIS NONSENSE!" This odd visualization helps me to come to terms with their eventual departure, and cherish their presence fully until the day I (may) have to make that call. Often times we take our pets for granted, or get stuck in our routines, until the years creep by and it is now time. We are not ready to say goodbye!!
As mentioned before, life does go on. Day to day, week to week. The void never really goes away, but just as our humans we lose, our pets never really leave our side. Eventually the feeling of grief will dissipate and a sense of peace and happiness will move in. You may see a pet that reminds you of yours and can now speak of them and tell their stories without guilt. You have said goodbye and only happy memories reside. Hopefully one day you will be ready to embrace another animal and welcome them into your home. Not as a replacement, but as a new friend to create new memories with.
2023 has been a particularly hard year for me as a pet sitter. Each pet I care for, whether I visit frequently or only once or twice, they each become a piece of my heart. As of the date of this post, 15+ of my furry friends have left this world and crossed the rainbow bridge. While I am incredibly grateful to have spent time with each of them, my heart is broken and there have been many tears shed for each of them...and their humans! Most of their photos are scattered throughout this postto honor their memory.
I am beyond grateful their owners allowed me to care for them. If you are reading this post and spot your pet, or have recently lost tour pet, please know I am sending all my love to you! And if I could send a message across that rainbow bridge I would let my friends know that we will meet again one day buddies!
Thank you for reading! Em
If you are struggling with the loss of your pet or are at a crossroads regarding euthanasia, you can always send me a message, I am happy to chat with you. Additionally, there is helpful information contained in the links below:
Great essay/ article Ems. Thank you for sharing.